So, about last night.
Don’t ever make your own cosmetics after 9:15pm. What began as a quest to make a usable cleanser and moisture mask turned into a full-on science lab, albeit a sloppy, inaccurate one. I ain’t no Marie Curie.
To sum it up, I successfully made:
- lavender sugar scrub
- oatmeal honey facial scrub
- honey lemon cleanser
- rosemary coconut oil eye cream
- citrus body scrub
- olive oil apple cider vinegar lotion
- castor coconut oil face wash
- banana yogurt honey mask
When you see it written out like that. Whew! Pretty impressive!
The underlying story is more like this: I flip through bookmarked recipes on my laptop with sticky fingers, just waiting for the inevitable disaster as I spiral into greater and greater frenzy. I have never been a neat cook. I start out orderly but by the end it usually looks a bad scene from a Dr. Suess book. Why should this be any different? At some point, the honey spoon sticks to the oatmeal bag, which tips onto the open laptop, which causes me to knock over the Epsom salts that crash into the lavender essence, which spills on the counter. Ever tried to wipe greasy flower oil, mixed with honey blobs and granulated sugar off a granite counter top? I would still be there today, my socks stuck to the floor, if I hadn’t been so excited to try my concoctions.
I would love to tell you it was a great success. My homemade products look so pretty in my picture. Before you scan the rest of the photos, let it be said that there exists a cosmetic industry with overpriced products BECAUSE WE NEED THEM. BECAUSE THE HOMEMADE ONES SUCK.
First I try the cleanser. Not so bad. It seems to remove what little makeup I have left on after a day of hunting down ingredients, carpooling, cooking, writing, cleaning and dividing my attention between three kids. In other words, the faint black streak under one eye comes off. I think if I had stopped there I may have avoided the ensuing chaos. Instead I move on to the oatmeal scrub because I need to exfoliate. I haven’t done so since Florida the week before and my skin is tired-looking,
“What’s so funny?” calls my husband from the bedroom.
I can’t stop laughing as the honey-covered enormous flakes (shouldn’t the recipe have called for them to be ground?) stick randomly all over my face.
“I need you to take a picture,” I answer.
“Take a pic, on my phone!” I stick my head into the bedroom.
“Oh my God. What the hell?” he sits up straighter on the bed.
“Honey/oatmeal mask,” I answer between licks. “It tastes good. Not really working so well though. I got the recipe off the Web.”
Dr. K grabs my phone off the night table.
“Bunch of naturopath crazies,” he mutters under his breath as he makes his way into the bathroom.
“Hurry, it’s falling off,” I say as I pose for what is quite possibly the oddest portrait ever. And the nutmeg powder is starting to burn. I have heard excessive nutmeg is as strong an hallucinogenic as shrooms… Maybe I am high?
I look in the mirror. SHIT. Red splotches start to appear amidst the lavender petals (edible flower FYI) and oat flakes.
“I gotta get this crap off my face.”
“You’re crazy. That is not doing anything,” my husband remarks as he snaps pics of my sink. “You should throw that out.” He points to the half full container of what basically amounts to spruced-up breakfast cereal.
No shit, Sherlock. I grab a washcloth and pray to the warm water gods.
Do I stop there? Of course not! No nighttime routine is complete without a moisturizing face mask. I’ve gotten this far and haven’t had dessert so why not a banana/kefir/honey mash-up? Thankfully, it is both tasty and soothing. I pick oatmeal flakes off my pajama bottoms during the 20 minutes it takes for it to penetrate my inflamed skin.
Ah, almost done. Only night-cream left to go. I pick the apple cider/olive oil number from my kit of ever-expanding torture apparatus. Basically I am about to complete my porridge and dessert with a good dose of salad dressing. Vinegar is acidic, right? I’ll leave the rest of that step to your imagination.
There is a reason beauty products are a $200 billion-dollar industry.