The clock strikes midnight, and I step into the shower. Like Cinderella, I transform.
From that first glorious drop of Goldwell Shampoo I know there is no going back to homemade. Ever. I practically inhale the stuff. As I lather (repeatedly), it takes all my self-constraint to eschew a selfie in the shower. Mere words cannot express the euphoria…
I dry off and coat my body with The Body Shop’s Coconut Body Butter. Now, that’s my kind of fake natural: it quenches skin, soaks in and leaves no residue. I open my medicine cabinet à la hotel mini-bar for skin-care addicts. What to use first? Cleansing milk? Skin resurfacer? Balancing toner? Night serum (whoopee!), hydrating moisturizer and OMG eye cream!
Surviving on kitchen compounds and hopeless baking-additives-for-hair-products has been a shitload of work these last four weeks. I expect to feel guilty about the waste. But I don’t care. No matter the blood (literally), sweat and tears it took, the surplus is nothing to me. Nada. The second that long-lost shower gel hits my nose and skin, all leftover homemade goo is tossed like last season’s glass slippers: one container, two container, three container, four…. Anything good I had to say about going au naturel—I take it all back. All of it!
As for hair, I blow dry in under 10 minutes—no waxy strands lingering in gummy chunks. I am a mass of billowy tendrils of individual hairs. I am a fairy princess.
But enough of my happily ever after, I promised a roundup of what I learned.
First, a big thank you for your advice, comments and taking this journey with me! Hearing your feedback online and in person motivated me and, honestly, just put a smile on my face. As a busy mom, it’s been ages since I’ve felt accomplished at something outside the family sphere. Hearing that you actually like reading what I write is magical and a little startling at the same time. So, here we go.
My Top 19 (because I have a thing about normal round numbers)
- Thank God for makeup. I debated including it in the challenge. Too late. Na-na-na-boo-boo.
- The novelty of Shea and coco butters wears off faster than their odours. Not good.
- Guesstimating measurements is not my forte. I’ll be making homemade beeswax candles for a loooong time.
- Essential oils are rarely essential and often repulsive.
- Avoid the avocado facemask on Mexican night. Ensuing confusion: “Mommy, why do you have guacamole on your face?”
- Homemade toothpaste. What the %#@*?
- Make your own cosmetics. Make your own mold.
- Vegetable oils are good for cooking. Period.
- If you insist on using said oils, keep them below the neck—unless you miss puberty.
- Apply hair masks (eggs, avocado, banana, rice milk etc) only when followed with thorough cleansing. They are hair houseguests who won’t leave.
- Homemade cooking labs are best left to meth dealers.
- Face Mask Friday should never be followed by Face Mask Saturday and Sunday. Overdose on face food and prepare to pay the consequences.
- “Vikings are cool.” If you agree with this statement, wash your hair with baking soda and apple cider vinegar. Then go to sleep while it’s still wet.
- If it seems good enough to eat, do that instead.
- Just because the picture is pretty doesn’t mean it works.
- I still suck at social media. (See accompanying photo.)
- I have the most patient, good-humoured kids on the planet! Dr. K. goes without saying!
- Speaking of, make sure your husband is onboard, or suffers from anosmia (inability to smell).
- Most importantly, I love to write and am super-pumped for the next challenge. TBA: next Monday.