Let’s just say it’s a beer-battered, coconut-shrimp kind of day.
8:03 am: My fading brunette locks are coated in a film of yuck. I read about milk and honey shampoo at 9 DIY Natural Shampoos. If two tbsp honey and ¼ cup milk are good enough for the Queen of Egypt…. Hmm, conditioner? I scan the list: Beer! I crack open a Coors Light and leave it on the kitchen counter to go flat.
The mission: Stock up on supplies at health food store. Set up cosmetic cooking lab in two-hour window between Pilates/ gathering goods / groceries/ hair wash/ Little C’s noon pick-up/ lunch and collecting older kids at 3:40 pm.
How it goes down:
9:18 am: While casing out raw materials I get so confused with carrier oils vs. essential oils vs. extractions vs. tinctures that over an hour later I am still roaming around the store dazed and panicky. I cobble together initial lab provisions: a glut of oils, witch hazel, rose water, aloe Vera juice, royal jelly (queen bee food), soy lecithin, oatmeal powder and unsweetened coconut flakes–which will come back to haunt me.
10:36 am: I have missed Pilates. The checkout girl informs me she went two years washing her hair with BS (baking soda) and ACV (apple cider vinegar), until it came out in clumps when she brushed it… Inspired, I plunk down my Visa and cough up $250 for my own undoing. That’s at least two moisturizers and an eye cream in my previous life, but look at all my stuff! Besides, whatever I don’t put on my face I can eat.
10:42 am: Since my schedule is blown, I stop by a kitchen supply storeand purchase mixing bowls, utensils, a double boiler, glass storage jars etc. because experts say not to use your food utensils for your natural cosmetics. Ah, the irony.
11:17 am: After overpaying, I visit the Dollar Store where I re-buy much of the same gear because it’s considerably cheaper. Now I have to return the first batch. That’s ok. I have endless amounts of time.
11:59 am: Sweating, I run to the grocery store so my family doesn’t starve. Guess I’m not washing my hair before noon.
12:27 pm: Officially late to pick up Little C, who asks why.
“Mommy was buying stuff for her blog,” I say into the rearview mirror. “Do you know what that is?”
“Like, putting stuff to eat on your hair for shampoo,” he offers then adds: “And making yucky toothpaste.”
From the mouths of babes.
1:35 pm: I grab lunch while flipping through Natural Beauty Alchemy by Fifi M. Maacaron. OMG is that really her name? I just noticed as I write this. The author is named after a puppy and a lightweight dessert made from egg white, sugar, almond and coconut. Is this a joke? The author is the facial mask recipe? Or is the author the puppy that ate the recipe?
2:08 pm: I make the Light Cleansing Oil. Proud of myself, I move on to the Coco Belle Scrub, a nourishing face mask /scrub combo applied before my shower. Remember the coconut flakes from 10:31 am? I combine them with royal jelly and rice milk “to bring moisture, lipids, and vitamins to revive dry, wrinkled skin” (according to Fifi).
2:49 pm: Departure time is 3:30pm. I wrap a towel around my body and apply the mask. I will dry brush (good for exfoliation) while I wait the 15 minutes for the mask to absorb.
2:54 pm: A glitch. Royal jelly is fairly gummy (picture honey and marmalade combined) but loses said adhesive quality when combined with rice milk. I mush the flakes onto my face in nickel-sized clumps. Most fall off, so I re-mush, figuring I can out-mush the rate of descent. Eventually, some sticks, but it is patchy like a rash. Every time I lift my arm for a selfie I shed more flakes. Shit, I give up. I’ll just dry brush.
2:57 pm: I would proffer that vigorous brushing is contraindicated while coconut bits rain all over your bathroom floor. As they dry out, their pace picks up. I really need a picture. Do I dare humiliate myself?
“Karen!” I call tentatively from upstairs. Karen is our nanny and is one of the family, having lived and travelled with us for over 11 years. Nothing shocks her anymore.
“Yes?” she returns.
“Do you see the camera? I think I left it in the kitchen.”
“Found it.” Karen heads upstairs where I stand looking like a shaman about to perform a ritual dance with my dry brushes. Her eyes widen.
“Would you mind taking a picture of me?” I squeak.
3:11 pm: Coors Light and my shampoo alight the shower ledge. Coconut flakes plummet with increasing velocity. I turn on the shower. This is going to work, I think, as I massage the scrub into my face.
3:29 pm: It didn’t f@%*!g work.