I wake up to my vow of cosmetic celibacy. What the hell was I thinking? After throwing on a robe and shuffling downstairs, being careful to not breathe dragon breath on my kids and husband, I discover that the baking soda I planned to use as toothpaste expired in February 2013. I squint to make sure the date is correct. Yep. OK, that baking soda is fine for cleaning pots and pans, but not my mouth. Not happening.
I brush my teeth with regular old toothpaste. In reality, toothpaste is not a cosmetic and, being married to a dental professional, giving up fluoride for 27 days is a no-no. I may have to renegotiate that aspect of my challenge. My morning routine now consists of a warm water wash cloth and slapping some gritty coconut oil on my face. Fast, slimy and effective (?). I let the oil soak in for a good ten minutes with my hair pulled back so my bangs don’t end up looking like they belong to a pimply teenage boy.
While I wait to dry out, I do my eight-year-old daughter Edie’s hair. I explain to her, in all my glistening glory, about my new experiment and ask, “Do you want Princess Leia side buns?”
She is wearing Star Wars sweat pants and an R2D2 shirt. She stares at me in the mirror and responds, “Mom, have you gone crazy?”
Yes, mommy may have lost her shit. Why else would I launch a skincare bomb in -15 degree celsius weather, after spending the prior three weeks frying my face in Florida? It’s not like my skin isn’t already suffering.
After school drop off I gather my arsenal from various locales. Sugar, kefir, epsom salts, essential oils, apple cider vinegar, honey, sea salts, pure shea and coco butter, jojoba oil, oats, avocado, bananas, a gi-normous box of baking soda that has not expired and my sanity….
Then I begin the arduous process of cleaning out my medicine cabinet.
So far, this is much more labour intensive than I thought. I don’t even know how to make a proper blog. That I learn between 2pm and 7pm today, thanks to my very patient brother. I have yet to master the chemistry of going granola but I better whip together a moisture mask ASAP because my face was rather parched by lunch time. So much for the longevity of coconut oil. Guess I will be sleeping with yogurt on my face tonight.
But, there is no rest for the weary. I don’t have a yogurt concoction to treat my dehydrated face. I just can’t dip my hand into the Liberté Greek and smear away, can I? I’ll just put together a couple creams to get me through the next 12 hours, I think. That coconut oil has to be clogging my pores.
So begins the kitchen calamity that is about as close to Beauty School 101 as the Easy Bake Oven is to Jamie Oliver. I can’t even go there now because I am too exhausted. Let’s just say I should have ground up the oats before turning my face into a breakfast buffet.
I promise to fill you in tomorrow…